Go. To. Hell.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Fourth Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)Very Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)Very High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)Very High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)Very High

Take the Dante's Divine Comedy Inferno Test

It's going to be an exciting week. Tomorrow I will be addressing the CBI. On Wednesday, I get to meet George W. Bush (what shall I wear?). On Thursday, I plan to send in the storm troopers armed police to disrupt an impudent gathering in Trafalgar Square. On Friday, we're having our first collective Conservative Party blood donor gathering.
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George W. Bush's generous compromise

Mr Speaker, let us consider the honour that George W. Bush does us by agreeing to visit Airstrip One our little country. Let us also consider the disaster it would be to the free world were someone to succeed in assassinating him, or worse yet, were he not to gain the Presidency after the 2004 elections in America. The President of the United States needs our help: he needs photographs for use in his election material to prove that he is the friend of the free world, and he has chosen us to be representative of the free world. We should be proud. We are proud.

George W. Bush has made the following reasonable requests for his security:

1. That the London Underground shall be closed while he is in London. Terrorists and assassins might use it for transport. Disreputable persons such as Labour voters and ex-felons use it every day, so I am told.

2. That his security forces shall be permitted to use their own B-52 bombers and Black Hawk helicopters to patrol above London and guard against potential rioters. Entirely reasonable, I am sure you will agree: we none of us care for those disgusting unwashed hordes who gather on the streets in a futile attempt to force their democratically-elected Government's actions.

3. That his security forces shall be permitted to use what I believe are called in the US 'mini-guns' (we call them Gatling guns) against potential rioters.

4. That all his security forces shall have diplomatic immunity and freedom from prosecution should any of them shoot protestors against the President's visit to the UK. This seems very reasonable: we would not want important, busy people such as special agents and snipers to be tied up with ridiculous legal red tape in the UK should they happen to kill one or more of the unwashed hordes.

Yet all these perfectly reasonable demands have been refused by my right honorable colleague David Blunkett, who has proven himself an anti-American traitor, unworthy of the high office he holds.

However, the President of the United States is a generous and kindly man, and has agreed to a compromise.

1. Roads will be closed in central London, creating what I believe the Americans refer to as a 'First Amendment' zone around the President. Absurd: we have no First Amendment, nor do we want one. It shows much for the President's sense of fair play that he has agreed to this limitation of his personal safety.

2. A security cordon will keep the unwashed hordes away from his cavalcade wherever it goes. The cordon will be widely thrown around the President, to prevent the official photographers from snapping anything but Bush graciously honouring a grateful and appreciative London with his presence. No actual Londoners will be allowed in the photographs, but I understand extras will be recruited for the occasion from my constituency, Folkestone. I am sure they will be very convincing, with a little make-up and costuming, and I am very proud of them.

3. The security cordon will consist mainly of Metropolitan police rather than American special agents and soldiers. I think this is the bravest and most generous compromise of them all: instead of being protected by armed men who can and will shoot to kill, the President of the United States has courageously agreed to be protected only by an unarmed police force and to contribute only two hundred and fifty of his own snipers and special agents to his own defence.

I think it says much for Anglo-American relations that despite the Home Secretary's intransigent and anti-American attitude, negotiations between here and the US have been perfectly amicable. President Bush is clearly determined that his visit to us shall cause no problems.

Cabinet Office staff have been urged to work from home if at possible during the presidential visit. I know that Shadow Cabinet staff will come in to work as usual.
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Let them eat cake!

First, may I thank you for inviting me to speak at your Conference today. You invited me to address you as Shadow Chancellor. But I am delighted to do so in my revived role as Prince of Darkness. After the last two weeks, at last it was worth it! Some people might say that this invitation is the icing on the cake. Make no mistake - this is the cake, the real dessert!

Of course, I never eat... cake.Collapse )
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My first Prime Minister's Question Time.

We meet at last, blairstripone. I haven't had the chance to beat you up for 10 years, and back then you were just the shadow Home Secretary and I was the Prince of Darkness. (Theresa, you may stand at my right. And Julie, you will stand at my left. A man looks so much more like a man if he has two dollybirds on his arms, doesn't he?)

You say I was neglected by the previous opposition, but rehabilitated under a Labour government. Joke away, blairstripone. Soon I will have my revenge.

Administration costs have gone up by a third, blairstripone. How much have they gone up in the Treasury? Do not tell me that I already know the answer! Of course I know the answer, if I didn't would I have asked the question! Two questions to me, no answers from you, not a very good start, I'm afraid (Julie, you are to look more excited and jump up and down. Clap your hands and cheer. Good girl.) all at the expense of the hard-pressed British taxpayer! (Always a good one to get off early. Theresa, you can at least look happy. Show some loyalty.)

What you do not know, blairstripone, is that I have a great big... dossier on your past and I haven't even had to sex it up. You supported EU withdrawal (cheer, Julie!) you backed the Wapping strikers - I bet you don't talk to Rupert Murdoch about that, you bad boy - and back when you were a very small boy indeed, you used to talk about US-state sponsored terrorism. Of course that was a long time ago, but it proves that once you were an evil socialist who must be rooted out. Bad blood. I can tell.

Now, why was it necessary for your official spokesman to describe the Brown/Blair relationship as one of the bedrocks of this admiminstration? "Because he was asked?" Do not be cheeky with me, young man! Don't the two biggest players in the government have better things to do than argue about who's on Labour's NEC? And anyway, the whole world knows about you and George Bush.

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Offers over $9.99M. (Or £6M.)

Offers in Euros not accepted. Unless you bid really, really high.
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Rewards and fairies

Theresa, you're sacked. No more high heels chairing the Party. We want manly men in charge. Now, on to the important part.

I have been very busy over the weekend drinking planning my new slimline Cabinet. It was a lot of work. Next time I'll go to Ikea.

Tasty Michael Ancram (O Neg) shall be Shadow Secretary of State for current_affairs. He can keep the Shadow Foreign Secretary job, and as a reward for not running against me, he can be Deputy Leader, too.

Lovely Oliver Letwin (B Pos) shall be Shadow Secretary of State for Economic Affairs. And because he remembered to bring his pocket calculator along to the meeting, he shall also be Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer. It's a very important job and I wouldn't give it to just anybody, you know.

The juicy David Davis (AB Neg) shan't be Deputy Leader any more. Instead he shall be Shadow Secretary of State for Home and Legal Affairs. So any of you who wish to have any affairs at home or with a lawyer should consult him first. He can also be Shadow Home Secretary, and he can make the tea.

The yummy Tim Yeo (A Pos) shall be Shadow Secretary of State for Health and Education. Thus we go one better than Labour, who think that these two jobs are so unimportant that two people might as well do them. Leadership, leadership, leadership!

David Curry (O Neg) can have the terribly important job of Shadow Secretary of State for Local and Devolved Government Affairs. So from now on, if you do anything at all with the boys in Scotland or Wales, don't forget to order Curry sauce.

I shall have Doctor Fox (O Neg) and Lord Saatchi (A Neg) for co-chairman. They can take turns sitting on each other's laps. Theresa May (B Neg) can be Shadow Secretary of State for Environment and Transport. On your bike, Theresa!
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