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Something of the night

Rt Hon Michael Howard
1 April
I was born in 1941 and educated at Llareggub Grammar School and Peterhouse, Cambridge. In 1962 I was elected President of the Cambridge Union. I was called to the Bar in 1964 and was appointed a QC in 1982. I was elected Member of Parliament for Folkestone and Hythe in 1983. In 1990 I entered the Cabinet as Secretary of State for Unemployment. I abolished the closed shop and arranged for the UK's opt-out from the Social Chapter at Maastricht, thus ensuring that rich people could continue to grind the faces of the working classes. Yes, I like that. Following the 1992 election, I was appointed Secretary of State for the Environment. I got the Americans to come along to the Earth Summit in Rio, thus making sure that no nasty anti-business anti-pollution decisions would be made there. In May 1993 I became Home Secretary, a position I held until New Labour turned us out. For four years I reigned supreme as Prince of Darkness. I know what causes crime: criminals! The more criminals we lock up, the better! Besides, it's fun to see Jack Straw squirm. I am now Shadow Chancellor, but soon, soon, I shall be Leader of the Opposition, and once again I shall torment their so-called Cabinet until we rise to power!

being evil, chaining up pregnant women, conservativism, crime, criminals, death penalty, homophobia, locking people up, politics, power, restoring section 28, restoring the death penalty, right-wing politics, sexy right-wingers, tories, tory, vampires, vampirism, war