Something of the night

I was born in 1941 and educated at Llareggub Grammar School and Peterhouse, Cambridge. In 1962 I was elected President of the Cambridge Union. I was called to the Bar in 1964 and was appointed a QC in 1982. I was elected Member of Parliament for Folkestone and Hythe in 1983. In 1990 I entered the Cabinet as Secretary of State for Unemployment. I abolished the closed shop and arranged for the UK's opt-out from the Social Chapter at Maastricht, thus ensuring that rich people could continue to grind the faces of the working classes. Yes, I like that. Following the 1992 election, I was appointed Secretary of State for the Environment. I got the Americans to come along to the Earth Summit in Rio, thus making sure that no nasty anti-business anti-pollution decisions would be made there. In May 1993 I became Home Secretary, a position I held until New Labour turned us out. For four years I reigned supreme as Prince of Darkness. I know what causes crime: criminals! The more criminals we lock up, the better! Besides, it's fun to see Jack Straw squirm. I am now Shadow Chancellor, but soon, soon, I shall be Leader of the Opposition, and once again I shall torment their so-called Cabinet until we rise to power!

Bwah-hah-hah!